The Marriage-Ministry Balance | 01

I'll never forget standing at the entrance to the church's sanctuary in Springfield, Missouri, holding tightly to my Daddy's arm and waiting our turn to begin the processional down the aisle of my January 1998 wedding. Not everything had gone as perfectly as I had envisioned it, but most things had, and truthfully, at this moment nothing else mattered. It was finally time to become Mrs. Chresten Tomlin, a name I had practiced writing since we met at age 13. Daddy turned to me and whispered softly, "You know you don't have to do this. You can just live with Mom and I forever," to which I sweetly replied, "Oh, Daddy, you don't want that! And I'm ready. Let's do this."

When you're standing at the precipice of a major life change as grandiose as getting married, entering full-time ministry, starting a family, or buying your first home, well-meaning people will tend to ask, "Are you ready for this?" As a general rule, you may even feel as though you are ready. But how can you truly know? You can tick all the boxes of preparation provided by all the experts and researchers. But until you walk that aisle, step out in faith, or deliver the baby, you have to put on a little "fake it till you make it" while you learn the ropes.

As I stood in this photo, knowing my parents were due to celebrate 25 years of marriage just a few months later, I remember thinking, “That’s forever away for us.” And yet we blinked a few times, traveled multiplied thousands of miles, had a few children, walked through a few challenging years, and find ourselves in Year 29. If you’re new to the journey of marriage and ministry, wondering “What makes it work?”, there are just a few things I can point to in summary:

1. Commit it all to Jesus. If your desire is mutually to be in His will and obey His Word, things are going to go a lot more smoothly for you. Talk openly about what you have heard God say and what you believe He expects of you and your spouse. If you're walking in the same direction, marriage and ministry will both be much more fulfilling. And the only way you'll both walk in the same direction is if you have intentionally given Jesus lordship of your lives, your marriage, your call, and your plans.

2. Decide you’re not going to quit. And you’re not going to discuss quitting. At a crossroads fairly early into our marriage we both committed to each other that we would never throw the word ‘divorce’ around ever again. And we haven’t. Sure, you feel like quitting now and again. But don’t say it. And don’t entertain the thought once you think it.

3. Focus on what makes your spouse happy and blessed. Even on the days when Chresten ‘misses it’ (come on, ladies—they all do—and SO DO WE), I know he really had the heart to do right by me. If you’re focused on doing right by each other, you’re gonna win more than you lose. If your husband is the primary minister in the family, he is likely to find tremendous fulfillment when he is thriving in ministry. Do what you can do to enhance, not deter from, that ministry calling. Ministry for a married couple is truly a partnership. And while you can't control his role or behavior, you can determine that you're going to do everything in your power to provide a safe place for your husband to land--in your arms, and in your home. When you both commit to the priority order of God-->spouse-->family-->ministry, you will have the blessing and favor of God and will be much less likely to burn out altogether.

4. Keep trying and keep forgiving. Most married couples will tell you that there comes a time in the relationship where you have to decide to turn up the intentional investment. You decide to talk more about less, flirt a little more, think about what you want after the kids grow up and move out, hold less grudges, shut your mouth when you’d rather nag, let things go that you feel might never get resolved. You try harder.

As you walk through these early years of trial and error, learning what makes him tick and growing in your own self-awareness, be patient and intentional. Talk openly about what is working and what is not working, but choose to do so at a time when you're both calm, rational, and not emotionally-charged. The truth is rarely spoken, and even more rarely received, when one or both of you are frothy with hurt, anger, or disappointment.

5. Pray for your spouse. And often. Truth be told: praying about something that irritates you in your spouse is much more effective than nagging him about it. It is less wear-and-tear on the marriage. And the Holy Spirit has a much higher probability of getting through when you let Him do His job. As my fellow ministry wife and dear friend Leann Cherry says, "If you aren't praying for your husband, he's weaker than he should be." No one can cover him in prayer like you, dear girl. Even if you have to set a reminder on your phone to routinely pray over his life, purpose, call, work, and spiritual growth as Godly man, do it! And you'll see dramatic results as the Holy Spirit speaks and works in his heart and life. (You're even more likely to see dramatic results in how you perceive and offer respect to him!)

6. Praise your spouse in private and in public. It’s easy to become so comfortable in our marriages that we relax into freely cutting our mates down to size. Even more dangerous and hurtful is offering criticism in the presence of others who would be influenced by your opinion of him. Whether it’s your children, your friends, parishioners, your church staff, or even your neighbors, giving honor to your life partner in front of others is crucial. Save the critique for time alone, and lace it with love and wisdom, recognizing that the Holy Spirit has the perfect time for you to hold him accountable and provide sound counsel. You’re the closest one to him. If others see or hear you disrespecting him, they’ll assume he is unworthy of respect.

If you’re running your husband down, expect everyone else to follow your lead. Build him up, girl. And perhaps he will live up to those lofty accolades.

---

You're reading Entry One in our 2026 blog series on The Marriage-Ministry Balance. Throughout the year we will feature one entry per quarter in this series, highlighting the four seasons every ministry wife walks through. Next up, "Parenting Years", set to publish in late April. Share your comments in the feed below about lessons you've learned in the early years of marriage + ministry.