Monday Mythbuster #10
- Bridgette Tomlin
- May 12
- 4 min read
You made it! Here we sit, 10 weeks of busting Ministry Myths! Way to go! Have you taken a few moments to sit with the perspectives shared in this spring series? What hit deep? What hit wrong? Let's talk in the comments below.
Last but not least...
Myth #10: I can't foster friendships with people in our church.
While it's true that friendship can be more challenging for women in ministry, it's also true that friendship is challenging for all women! Women tend to travel in groups, but also struggle to initiate, invest into, and maintain healthy, honest and authentic relationships with other women. We are hard-wired to support, but allow competition, cattiness, and insecurities to rob us of the most-desired gift, which is that of true, lasting friendship.
Today's myth takes this thought beyond the challenge, and often stalls women in ministry from discovering friendship at all. But before we go there, let me take this opportunity to remind you that friendship is a gift from God, which means it is available for the asking. Does it require effort? For sure. Will you be uncomfortable in the pursuit of it? Probably. Is it worth it? Undoubtedly. And it's yours for the asking through the myriad of outlets that Sanctuary promotes. We can set the table and make the call, but it's your determination to pull up a chair and pick up the fork.
At Sanctuary, we want to foster a community of women who love, pray for, offer support to, and laugh and cry together. We recognize that isolation is the #1 tool the enemy uses to isolate women in leadership, especially those in ministry. It can be lonely at the top, for sure, but it doesn't have to be. [Click here to learn about Let's Connect. And here to discover Let's Retreat. And one more...here for our highly safeguarded community on Facebook.]
But back to today's myth: Can you have friends within the church where you serve? I believe so. And here's why.
Women within your church are the believers in your community with whom you are doing life. They are (hopefully) following Christ, attempting to serve and build His Kingdom, and are actively seeking to grow in their walk with the Lord. Their kids are going to school with yours. They're the ladies you'll be working alongside to serve churchwide meals, teach the kids' classes, travel to the women's conference, etc. They make up the body of believers whom God has called you to serve, and to serve alongside.
Of course, you'll need to be selective as to whom you select, how you forge the friendship, how public you take the friendship, and so on. And there will be facets of your private life you won't be at liberty to divulge. But isn't that the case with a majority of friendships or relationships in your life? You don't typically share everything with everyone. Still yet, you could have someone you run to the coffee or antiques shop with, or a friend you could entrust your kids to for a few days away with your husband.
One friend doesn't have to tick all the boxes you desire or need in friendship. Pastor's wife Susan Nordin wrote in her contribution to Sanctuary about the variety of friendships you can have, and one of those "slots" can most certainly be filled by a trusted woman in your community or congregation. Here are a few guidelines to consider when making this selection:
Pray and ask the Lord to bring her to you. God designed you for community and friendship. Therefore, He has someone in mind and, if you'll make room for her when she makes herself available, you will benefit from this desired gift.
Trust the Holy Spirit's nudge and caution. If a woman seems to be the "take-charge" type that other women run from, she's probably not a good fit for you either. Dr. Phil once said, "What they'll do with you, they'll do to you." If she's free with her mouth and talks negatively about others, in your church or community, she's likely to follow suit about you in the future. Choose wisely.
Don't parade your friendship. You don't want to relish the benefits of friendship at the expense of hurting other women in your church who would desire "top status with the pastor's wife". Run to the coffee shop but don't post about it online. Communicate openly with your new friend about the challenges of being "a friend to the preacher's wife". Ask for her gracious partnership in not exploiting you, but enjoying your time together without the fanfare.
You can speak openly about your personal life without trashing "your friend's pastor". This principle should apply to all of your friendships. Safeguard the honor of your husband. This always pays good dividends.
Talking negatively about the flock you're giving your life to shepherd with a member of that same flock can easily backfire when you least expect it. This is why some conversations are best shared with fellow ministry wives who genuinely understand the lifestyle of a ministry family. But isn't there some delight to not having to "talk shop" and maybe just feel like you're "one of the girls" when you're with a non-ministry friend? Work your way toward being able to relax and just be (insert first name) for a change.
All of these principles and guidelines couldn't possibly accommodate all of the variables at play in the season, location, and community in which you now live. There are seasons of friendship, and seasons of loneliness. This is the ebb and flow of humanity. But don't give up on friendship altogether, dear girl. You're worth getting to know. And I wish we lived closer together so I could share this gift with you myself.
Lord, send a beautiful soul to the girl on the other side of this screen. Remind her of Your desire to provide friendship to her. I know the sister-from-another-mister has already been dispatched by You. What a good God You are!
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